Making Lemonade

35 weeks...

2012-02-15T09:55:00.007-06:00

so thankful for every day this little one has cooked!

my doc wants me to stop the pro.cardia this weekend, and i'll go back to work on monday. this should be interesting ;) it's crazy how weak you get after a month of bedrest--even taking a shower and drying my hair is tiring! just hoping i can tolerate the contractions and keep up the pace once i get back. it will be good to gain some strength, though, because i'll definitely need it once he gets here.

poor R, he has literally run his legs off taking care of all of us. he has done an awesome job, but i think we're all just ready to get back to normal. i can tell that Chase has enjoyed all the extra attention from daddy and his grandparents, though.

and i've cherished the uninterrupted time that i've been able to bond with my new little guy as he kicked and squirmed in my belly. life was so crazy before bedrest, that i never really had the chance to stop and notice all the little sensations that were going on. it's so funny how he's in the exact same breech position as Chase was...head under my ribcage on the right, little bum on the left, and feet kicking at the bottom. it must be a really comfy spot! he's been this way since 20 weeks, so i'm slowly giving up my dream of a VBAC. getting him here safely is the most important thing, though, so if he doesn't flip in the next few weeks, i guess we'll be doing another c-section.

a little 22-month update on Chase...he is talking so much! i can't even count all the words he has now (probably 50+), but he's almost completely quit signing in favor of using words. he even has a few two-word phrases, "all done", "the end", and "cup of milk", which are so cute to hear him say. well, actually he says, "pup uh moo" for "cup of milk", which makes it even cuter! at night, he has his own little party, singing and talking in the crib for about thirty minutes once we put him down for bed. it is beyond precious!

here is a video of him "dancing" to Elmo. i think the beat is too fast for actual dance moves, so he just runs in place, lol...hilarious!

and...best news of the year: my little sis is pregnant!!! 14 weeks and everything looks great. so happy for them! :) it's going to be a lot of fun (and maybe some trouble, lol) having cousins less than six months apart!

32 weeks...

2012-01-28T17:35:00.002-06:00

one week of bedrest down...two and a half more to go! things were a little rough for the first part of the week, but i'm so happy to say everything is much calmer now :) i'm only having contractions for the most part when i stand up, so as long as i'm lying down or reclining, everything's good. except for my back...ouch! i can handle that much better than contractions, though :)

this is pretty cool (not at the time--it was scary as crap) but now it's pretty cool. here's a pic of the contraction monitor from my L&D trip tuesday. the bottom waves are contrac.tions and the flat line toward the end of the strip is where they gave me terb.utaline to stop them. it's kinda freaky to feel them just stop all of a sudden!

anyway, this pro.cardia has been a blessing since we figured out that i needed it every 4 hours instead of every 6 to keep everything calm. seriously...miracle drug! friday was the first day i thought i might actually make it to term :)

i've been doing alot of online browsing for Chase's new room. i decided the easiest thing would be to go ahead and give the new baby the current nursery and make a new little boy's room with bunk beds for Chase. we're going to do a woodland owl theme--so cute! here are some pics of the bedding and decor:

and just because i'm not sure how many of these i'm going to be able to take, i wanted to remember what my belly looked like with my second sweet boy cuddled up :)

please excuse the bedrest attire. that's about as good as it gets lately, lol.

my, how things change...

2012-01-22T18:30:00.006-06:00

i was cruising along just a week ago, running all over the place and caring for my energetic almost two year old. after weekend trip to visit my friend's new baby last sunday, i started having contractions. so i spent a couple hours of trying to ride it out with rest and forcing fluids, but finally decided it was time to go to L&D. wish i could say things have gotten better since then, but after four terb.utaline shots, a prescription for a drug that is supposed to stop contractions (pro.cardia), steroid shots for baby's lungs, and home bed rest, things are really not too much better. well, today anyway.

the good news is that my cervix is holding steady at 3.5, so even though the contractions are sometimes coming every 5 minutes, they don't seem to be strong enough to cause me to dilate yet. thank God! we really need this little guy to bake another 8 weeks (i'll take any time i can get, though!) as of yesterday, he was estimated to weigh 4 lbs. 1 oz. (61%), so that's a great weight for 31.5 weeks...5 days ahead of schedule, even! it's reassurring to know that even if he was born today, he would had a very good chance of survival and maybe no long-term effects from prematurity. every day i keep him baking is three days less he'll have to spend in he NICU, so it is well worth it.

i do miss so much holding and taking care of Chase, though. he's been with family all weekend, and i have missed him terribly. i've also been kicking myself a bit about not doing more to prepare for the new baby's arrival. i just thought i had so much time left to get it done! and i'm determined to take a belly pic as soon as i can tolerate getting dressed and standing for it.

anyway, i'm hoping this is just a little blip in the radar and will pass soon. meanwhile here is a cute pic of a sweet sleeping baby:

and our last trip to Tar.get for awhile:

goodbye 2011...

2012-01-08T09:55:00.005-06:00

i will miss it, though. i'll miss my sweet baby's last year before the challenging 2's fully hit. how much i loved watching with bated breath as he learned how to crawl, to pull up, to walk, and to run. and now he does so many things daily that amaze me...from busting out a random word i've never heard before to kissing my belly, whispering "hi, bay-bee" :::melt:::

i'm not sure he truly knows what's coming (nor do we, lol), but i feel sure that 2012's gonna get a whole lot more interesting up in here!

this is what happens when you leave him unsupervised near the diaper bag...oops!
that would be about 30 diapers and a pack of 72 wipes individually pulled out and scattered across the room ;)

this child loves him some books!

before i post Christmas pics, just wanted to give a shout out to my IF chica's who blew the roof off this week with a confirmed pregnancy and heartbeat (gotta keep the deets in for a bit), a delivery of a baby girl for one of my BFF's who has waited a VERY long time for this moment. and not about kicking IF butt, but just as special, was Baby T's 1st birthday!!!

it seems like a lifetime ago that he made his early arrival. and the past year has been a long string of continuous miracles. all you could really do was sit back and watch while God took him under his wing

is there anything cuter than bathtub pics? love.

a little update i've forgotten to mention is that Chase is in weekly speech.therapy now for a very mild delay. the therapist noticed at 18 months that he only had 5 words (they wanted 20+). he has made such great progress since starting, though, and is now up to 25+ words at almost 21 months and still signs like crazy!

Christmas pics!

here's a video of him opening his big present (a workbench) but it makes me a little sad to add it, though, because we lost my precious aunt this week and one of her favorite things to do was watch Chase's videos on the blog. she was always asking me to add more videos. this one is for you Aunt Gail. i wish so much you could have met him. you were deeply loved and will be greatly missed :)

hope all of you have a wonderful 2012!

gen.der reveal!!...

2011-12-17T00:35:00.005-06:00

and so it came together...all of the cutting and pasting and decorating and planning...for the one very special moment when we lifted the top to a box that held our little secret. i think it was even more fun than it would have been to hear those words in the delivery room :)

we ate, and talked, and laughed while our family and friends picked sides and offered up names:

TEAM PINK:
TEAM BLUE:
chase was like...wait a minute here. that new baby ain't moving into my spot yet, is he? slow your roll, dude, this is Baby T!

it was pretty funny to realize that mom and dad were on different teams, lol ;)

picking names from the suggestion box:

THE BOX:
my friend pulled a little prank on us and wrapped up both stockings to make us wait a little longer. hiding underneath were some super cute outfits :) for a minute there R started to panic--thinking it was twins, ha ha!

what the??

IT'S A....................BOY!!!

We are so excited to be welcoming a second little boy into our family! i can't wait to see how much Chase loves having a baby brother. i feel blessed to be able to celebrate this new life with family as we came together to celebrate the most special life of all. wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!

this and that...

2011-12-12T22:56:00.010-06:00

thought i'd catch up on some photos and end with a surprise :)

Thanksgiving weekend pics:

one of his favorite things to do these days is show his belly off :)

all the cousins:

checking out Christmas lights in the park with the fam:

and a couple sweet videos:

jellybean update:

we've reached VIABILITY!! as of 24 weeks (almost 2 weeks ago), the little one was 1.5 lbs (54%) and looking beautiful as always on ultrasound. not sure i can even explain what an awesome feeling it is to hop up on the exam table expecting good news :) the bean is turning out to be an easy baby already!

little hard to tell, but that's the side-view of a foot/leg

so, i'm officially declaring "uncle" on team green. i thought we could hold out...and well, we did for a long time! but i'm ready to decorate a nursery and have been feeling a bit guilty that Chase had everything immaculately prepared for his arrival, from a hand-painted mural to blue m&m favors with his initials. and poor jellybean wouldn't even be coming home with a monogrammed blanket, lol. so this weekend will be our gender reveal party!!

we'll be unwrapping either a pink or a blue stocking to hang on the mantle. i'm so excited to find out what's kicking in there!!

for some fun, i thought i'd do a gender poll and give out some hints (or old wives tales, really) and see if you could guess what we're having.

exhibit a: ok, i know this is a total waste of money, but whatev ;) Intelli.gender at 15 weeks: (i could really go either way, depending on how you held it--but the company said it was clearly a BOY result)

exhibit b: chinese gender calendar says GIRL

exhibit c: cravings: salty (BOY) and sweet (GIRL).

exhibit d: heartrate: always above 150 (GIRL)

and finally, i think i'm carrying exactly same way as i did with Chase (plus a few extra pounds, ha ha), if that tells you anything.

i guess we'll find out on Saturday!!

long lost post...

2011-11-24T22:24:00.022-06:00

in the craziness of the election and eerily-quiet aftermath, where websites for and against were boarded up the minute the results were in, i realized that life as we know it, thankfully, just keeps moving on. although it changed in at least one way for me: with a heavy heart, i switched OB's (to one who wasn't a major proponent for the 'yes' vote) to one who i could trust to support our reasons for having done unrestricted IVF and who could hopefully be unbiased regarding our future reproductive decisions. it was not an easy break, as i had been under his care for eleven years and three pregnancies, but it is what it is.

i just kept picturing my son, asleep in his crib, cuddled up to his sock monkey as he is right now, making my heart swell daily with love and gratitude. and then i thought about the other desperate couples out there like ourselves who, after exhausting all other options, decide to finally smash their piggy banks for one last 50% shot at having a family. and knowing that if a few more supporters of this decision had cast their votes, those couples' dreams would have slipped even further and further away.

since it didn't happen, let's put that to rest for awhile and switch to a lighter subject, shall we? what i also realized was that i neglected to post our HALLOWEEN PICS! just a lil' late...on Turkey Day, lol.

these were from the carnival at daycare:

ooooooh, that looks yummy!
hey, mister...can i have some of that snowcone?

the Halloween night fun starts here. he was soooo not wanting to wear his hat...or sit for pics...or any of it really! ;)

and here was our not-so-subtle-hint that he was totally over it:

once he got warmed up, it was time for some breaking-and-entering:

quick check to make sure the parental figures aren't looking:

ok, the coast is clear...i'm going in
well, if Poppi had been there, i would have gotten away with it, lol.

thank you, mississippi!

2011-11-08T22:59:00.006-06:00

the Person.hood ammendment was defeated tonight 58% to 42%.

thank you to all who helped spread the word on how devastating it could have been for women and particulary infertility patients. i have been both shocked and humbled at friends who have supported us (and some that didn't). i think my sister's FB post sums up how awesome those closest to us have been:

I JUST VOTED NO TO AMEND.MENT 26!!! THIS IS FOR YOU BABY CHASE! WITHOUT INVITRO WE WOULD NOT HAVE YOU IN OUR LIVES AS OUR ONLY NEPHEW, GRANDCHILD, & SON!!! I LEFT WORK TO VOTE & MAKE A DIFFERENCE!! I LOVE YOU CHASE!!!

...sniff. it took a lot of courage to write that.

there definitely are no winners here. i have learned a valuable lesson in how important activism is. i wish i had not been so afraid to have my faith questioned or jeopardize my son's privacy before he was able to speak for himself. i'm motivated to get more involved, because i see my son's face and the faces of all my IF friends' children and know how fragile our rights are.

so, so glad it's over.

IVF as we know it could be over...

2011-11-05T23:08:00.021-05:00

My state will vote Tuesday on Initia.tive 26, the Person.hood Amendment, which is packaged as an anti-abortion bill but has drastic and far-reaching consequences for infertility patients.

Mississippi has been targeted due to our deeply conservative population and if passed, will fuel the movement for this initiative, which currently has petitions in all 50 states.

Person.hood USA’s Keith M.ason said on Friday that Mississippi’s Initia.tive 26, “looks like it’ll be the first one to pass in this country.”

I am saddened by how this controversy has divided my family and friends, and even more so by the thousands of deserving parents who will not have access to unrestricted infertility treatment if this passes. There is a lot of misinformation out there about this bill, but here are some facts:

Due to the term “person” referring to an embryo at the moment of fertilization (sperm/egg joining), anything that interferes with or endangers this process will be ILLEGAL beginning 30 days after the election if passed:

IUD’s, including Mirena

The Morning after pill (RU-486), even in the event of rape or incest

Cryopreservation of embryos during IVF for future cycles

Embryo adoption

PGD and the fertilization of unlimited eggs for improved IVF success rates

What will be left up to the courts and legal system to decide:

Which oral contraceptive pills will be considered to create an ‘un-hospitable’ environment for implantation and therefore banned?

What is meant by the new requirement for limited fertilization? (I’ve read 1-3 eggs or only as many as the woman plans to transfer). This will drastically decrease success rates, while increasing the risk for OHSS and high-order multiples as all fertilized eggs will be required to be transferred back into the uterus.

Will criminal investigations be allowed in the case of ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages, as these embryos will now be entitled to all the rights of citizens

Will doctors be at risk of prosecution for the natural arrest of embryos during the IVF process?

There are really more questions than answers, but the effects will forever change the way IVF is performed and make it unaffordable for many patients in our non-mandated state. RESOLVE’s official stand is in opposition of this initiative as are the American Congress of OB-GYN, the MS Medical Assoc. and the MS Nurses Assoc.

You can help us fight this initiative by passing this information onto your family and friends, post on facebook, other forums, and especially educate those who are Mississippi residents to vote 'NO'.

Please take a moment to read this letter, as I think it sums it up best. I wish I could describe as poignantly as he does, what it has meant to me to be blessed with my son through the miracle of IVF. But maybe you have guessed that already from reading this blog! ;-)

happy fall, ya'll!...

2011-10-30T17:48:00.008-05:00

well, Cancun turned out to be beautiful after all! so much fun, but we were so ready to get back to our sweet little man. i never thought i'd be one to rush home from vacation, but going a week without seeing my baby was a long, long time!

the weather here is finally cool and crisp, and halloween is right around the corner. i'm sheepishly admitting that for the first time, we didn't go with the froggie costume that won the online vote. i did order it, but it was too big and just didn't fit right, so i exchanged it for a super cute dragon costume. hope you like it as much as we did! (pics to come)

OMG, this little mouth "O" is the cutest thing ever. i love when he does it!

you think posing kids is hard? try posing a rambunctious toddler + two dogs! (that will give you grey hair, lol) i have a new respect for baby/child photographers!

little jellybean is getting bigger every day--1/2 pound and 5 inches as of last week. i've kinda debated taking belly pics, but seriously, it looks exactly the same as last time. we don't think we're going to find out the sex with this one, although it's really tempting. i had the ultrasound tech write the gender down and put it in an envelope over a month ago, but we haven't looked yet. my friend L. is keeping the envelope hidden in case i get desperate to know, but how fun would it be to find out in the delivery room?

so for right now we're team green, baby!

(pics from 19 week appt.--profile and hand)

Chase had his 18-month pediatrician visit last week. he's 32 inches tall and 27 lbs. 10 oz. he's really coming along with his signs (think he has 20+ now) and about 10 words. if we can just keep his lungs healthy through the winter, we'll have it made.

hope everyone has a happy halloween!

craziness...

2011-10-16T14:35:00.002-05:00

you know life is busy when the only time you have to blog is while on vacation! well actually, if it weren't for the constant rain and whipping wind outside, encouraging us to hibernate in the room, i'm not sure when i would have it done.

so anyway, hi from Cancun!

the room rocks, though, and we're keeping our fingers crossed that the weather clears up soon.

back home, Chase had his first sick spell of the season, which bought us 4 months of breathing treatments to try to keep him out of the hospital, and a nasty case of hand, foot, and mouth virus. poor baby is a germ magnet!

we discovered a breakthrough, though: that breathing treatments are so, so much easier when Elmo is involved:

sometimes, he'll get quiet and i know he's up to no good. i love finding him hiding behind the couch or some other random place where he can explore no-no's in peace. so precious...

the jellybean is doing well, too. better than i could have hoped. our genetic screen came back negative this time: 1:1,600 for DS and 1:10,000 for T18, so much better than the 1:120 odds we had with Chase. here is the little bean a couple weeks ago at 15 1/2 weeks. guess i'm just a boring old pregnant chick this time. yippee! :)

we took our annual trip to the state fair. OMG was it fun this year! Chase is at the age where he's too little to ride most of the rides, so just checking out all the sounds and lights was enough to give his pointer a serious workout.

deep fried oreos and snickers (who thinks of this stuff?)

daddy has just started another master's program, so the poor thing missed out on all the fun. (he'll probably miss out on a bunch over the next couple of years, which is kinda sad, but hopefully will be worth it in the long run).

we took a rare few extra minutes before church to organize an impromptu photo shoot:

the patented waving pose (my dad started the tradition, but all the men in my family pride themselves on perfecting the look):

canine photobombing:

off to do an anti-rain dance. happy week!

goodbye summer...

2011-09-17T08:45:00.006-05:00

the changing weather brings with it new excitement to our household. mornings leisurely lingering over cups of steaming coffee. closet purging and reorganizing, bringing the fall coats in and saying goodbye to our shorts and sandals. summer rocks, but fall is my very favorite time of year. we're looking forward to carving pumpkins, and backyard firepits, and cuddling up under heavy down comforters. hot chocolate, and trick or treating, and holidays filled with family and fun.

but we did take a couple weekends to enjoy the last bits of summer:

main street, downtown:

this is why i love our neighborhood:

we've come to the realization that we are treading dangerously close to the terrible two's and are in the beginning stages of trying to find a system of gentle discipline that works. can i tell you this hurts a mommy's heart?

evidence of day #1: (time out in the pack and play after repeatedly throwing the cordless phone in the dog's water bowl)

i learned quickly that anything in or near the PNP could be used as a weapon to vent frustration at having been placed in time out. (if you look closely, you'll see my handy toddler reference at the top of the pile, lol)

yeah, i probably need to come up with a new strategy. but really, how can you stay mad at this sweet face?

ahhhh, sleep!...

2011-09-01T21:57:00.004-05:00

so today, we went in for the NT scan. R was able to go with me after all, which was really comforting. we passed the gift shop where i bought Chase his stuffed giraffe last year (my first official baby purchase) because i was so happy that he cooperated for the tech and let her get some good pictures :-)

i could go on and on about how it brought back so many memories, blah, blah, but let's just skip to the good part, eh?

EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT!!!!

the NT measurement was 0.5 (low risk) and the baby's abdominal wall looked just as it should. the whole appointment took place in the ultrasound room, hence no scary 'let's go into the other room so we can talk' moment after the scan.

to say we were relieved is such an understatement! it was so surreal how different this appointment went than the last time we were there. we'll have to go back in four weeks for a repeat scan and bloodwork because it's so early now, but i think i can finally let go of the lingering fears, enjoy this pregnancy, and get some much needed SLEEP!

praise God!

hi, my little 11 week old jellybean!

ok, i'm scared...

2011-08-30T21:59:00.001-05:00

(he, obviously, is not)

i thought i was going to be all brave and tough. well...not so much. sometimes i wonder how mamas who've had problems with a first pregnancy handle second ones. surely, it's impossible not to be a scared.

which brings me to the NT dream.

i have it at least three nights a week, and usually wake up in a cold sweat.

always, it's the tiny ultrasound room with the doctor furrowing his brow. the deafening silence where my mind starts spinning with 'what if's'. then the solemn, fatherly voice telling me softly that something is wrong with the baby...gently patting my knee while i hold back tears. usually it's a fatal diagnosis--trisomy 18 or 13, never just the O or something we can manage.

i stumble into the parking garage, reeling with the terrible news...then search aimlesslessly for the car for an hour because i can't think clearly enough to remember where i parked or see through the tears to make it out.

except for the fatal diagnosis, all of that happened. i think i've just blocked it from my consciousness, but this pregnancy has brought it all back out.

we scheduled the NT scan for thursday. R is trying, but isn't sure he'll be able to get off work to go with me, which is adding to my anxiety. i really don't want to do this alone again, but i may just have to put my big girl pants on and trust that God will see us through this one, too.

anyway, we need a distraction, so here are some pics of pool time this weekend:

i love this little waterbaby

10 weeks and over the hump...

2011-08-24T21:36:00.017-05:00

first for the pregnancy update...everything is going beautifully! we had an ultrasound on monday and the baby measured 9 weeks, 6 days and had a heartbeat of 179. we could see it waving it's tiny arms and bouncing around, which is completely crazy considering it's only 1 1/4 inch right now.

oh, and my OB finally believes this is going to be a real pregnancy and starts chuckling as he approaches the exam room. which i find funny for some reason because i know he's still scratching his head, like WTF just happened here? ;-) anyway, here are some pics:

the last few weeks were a very welcome but exhausting time. i would never wish away any tiny symptom that helped to reassure me that i was, in fact, still pregnant, but i'm kinda glad they let up a bit :-) for the past week, i've felt much better and haven't done any of the following things:

1. found random (albeit safe) parking lots to nap in my car during lunch.
2. interrupted a patient's treatment session so i could toss my cookies.
3. torn my poor husband a new one when the alarm went off for his 4:15 a.m. run.

so i'm kinda proud of that, lol.

well, actually i've started sleeping upstairs because the tiniest noise wakes me from the recurring NT dream...which is a whole other post...but then continues to replay in my mind for however many hours it is until i have to get up. which then leads me to doing either #1 or #3 above. not fun.

anyway, moving on to our sweet boy, who is growing so fast it's unreal. he does something new daily to remind me how precious every second with him is.

somebody needed a haircut in the worst kind of way. he was seriously rocking the mullet for awhile there.

he was so, so good for it. it's hard to tell in the pictures, but i think he likes getting it cut.

and...it's time for a poll!! we need some help picking the perfect Halloween costume. i'm sure he'll be pissed one day that we put him in any of these goofy costumes, but whatev. i'm going to do it while i still can ;-)

the post i never thought i'd write...

2011-08-11T21:16:00.005-05:00

i only know one way to tell this story...and that's to start from the beginning. please forgive my keeping this little secret, but i hope you'll understand why.

it all started the saturday we were leaving for vacation, exactly 5 1/2 weeks ago. still reeling from our recent IVF loss and feeling a bit hurt by the circumstances surrounding it, confusion about our next step was occupying the majority of my waking thoughts. i was dreading having to leave in the middle of our vacation to drive 7 hours to the RE for yet another test, but knew that it was the only way to go forward. we had a phone consult with CCRM scheduled that thursday, yet were still worried about how we would afford to cycle there.

on a whim, i decided to dig into my stash of hpt's, mainly to try to predict cd1 and just to be safe assuming i might be having a few adult beverages while at the beach. and just like i had done for 26+ natural cycles since beginning our attempt to start a family, i waited for the inevitable single pink line.

but instead, there was the faintest second line showing in the window!

and the announcement to follow was so completely unlike the joyous surprise i planned last time. there was no big brother onesie or video camera. just me, sobbing on the edge of the tub, nervously showing R, and praying that this wouldn't turn into another cruel joke.

but over the next few days, the picture became clearer:

(well, actually here i got a little nervous at 14 dpo--so it wasn't completely smooth sailing, lol)

my fear of not knowing was greater than my fear of another trip through beta hell, so after a desperate visit to a tiny beachside urgent care clinic, we finally had our answer (14dpo = 135!)

the doc actually laughed when i showed him the pee stick gallery and said "you can stop testing twice a day now--i think it's positive". yeah, that's like telling a crack addict to just hold a hit :-)

but the next week revealed the most beautifully-rising betas (19dpo = 1,230 then 22dpo = 4,552), doubling every 38 hours.

and our first ultrasound at 4 weeks, 5 days showed this tiny little sac:

then another at 7 weeks revealed a perfect little gummy bear with a heart beat of 132 bpm:

so here we are, 8 weeks, 2 days into a surprise, unmedicated pregnancy where i pinch myself daily wondering how we got this lucky...and pray that it ends the way we hope it will.

there is no way i can explain the sheer joy i felt when calling all 3 RE's offices to cancel all tests, cycles, everything i had planned for the next few months. take that, infertility ;-)

i read that the coming week is the develpmental stage when the intenstines retract back into the abdominal cavity from their former home in the umbilical cord. and while i pray for the baby's sake that it does, i think we'll accept it much better this time if not. because we've seen these little miracles kick butt, whether they end up with tummy scars as a result or not.

speaking of little miracles, want to see something pretty cool? this is Chase with his new friend L, another O baby who has proven to be quite the fighter. born with a giant O, she spent a great deal of time in the NICU and wasn't stable enough to be held for 4 months after she was born:

sorry ladies, Chase is now off the market, lol

and a few more pics from our visit to grandma's this past weekend:

a little late news, but Chase's 15-month check-up went well. for the record, he was 31 inches tall (40%) and 25 1/2 lbs (59%). he has about 10-12 words and is right on track for all his developmental milestones!

he does sport quite the bed head these days, though:

but OMG, is he a sweetie! here are some pics of playing outside with sidewalk chalk:

(his favorite new pasttime is terrorizing the cat, although they look pretty friendly here)

thank you God, for never ceasing to amaze us with your blessings. we're so thankful that our sweet boy will finally get his chance to be a big brother!

Orange Beach...

2011-07-24T01:00:00.020-05:00

was a much-needed vacation this year. the last time we went, Chase was only 3 months old, so it was pretty fun watching him notice everything this time.

he loved the pool, but really wasn't a fan of the beach or ocean at first:

first tentative steps on the beach...cue hysterical crying after about 10 seconds:

and here, Aunt Amy swooped in to rescue him just seconds afer a tiny wave washed over his feet, causing him to completely lose his shit:

but after a few days, he finally warmed up to it:

we went boating most days on my dad's retirement present, and it was so much fun! fishing for spanish mackeral along the coastline was something i'll remember for a long time.

this is actually his favorite part of boating: (or at least what he did most of, lol)

more than anything, i love watching my family interact with Chase. since we all live so far apart, we have to sqeeze every last drop of love out to make these moments priceless. and that we do.

how did you manage to leave the condo every morning looking this glamorous, sis?

think i was just barely making it out the door without forgetting my son. note to self: some makeup would have been good here:

consider the straw mastered, thankyouverymuch ;-)

and a few condo pics:

this is the mischevious 'i'm about to do something naughty but if i smile real big, maybe you won't notice' look:

just for fun, a before and after pic comparison. what a difference a year makes! (i love this chunky little monkey)

anyway, so much fun, but back to reality now. we're planning another trip in a few weeks, so we're looking forward to being on the boat again! oh, how i do love summer...

SLR...

2011-07-07T22:51:00.003-05:00

i hope you will forgive my blogging absence when i show you what i've been up to:

i finally learned how to take pics with our new SLR camera! well, it's not really new, but i've been intimidated enough to leave it in the box for the past...oh...year or so. hopefully, from here on out, the photos on the blog will be much clearer and more interesting than before (although, i obviously still need some time to perfect the settings, lol)

so here are some of Chase playing with his new playset:
p.s. i haven't learned how to edit yet. baby steps ;)

and a few of him with friends on the Fourth of July:

and so tired by the end of the night, he could barely hold his pointer up ;)

our first pool birthday party invite:

and bonus pic of Baby T (look how big he's getting!):

i love this age! Chase is so loving, expressive, and happy. he gives the best hugs and kisses and chats all day in his own little language that neither of us can understand. here's a video of some baby sign language:

and oh my, how he loves his DaDa!

on the TTC front, i'm just patiently waiting to begin the clomid challenge test to see if we qualify for the new clinic's shared risk program. i really, really need to make this happen as it would be so much better for us financially. my one limiting factor for TTC #2 is that we won't go into major debt in the process. i don't think that would be fair to Chase and it definitely won't be good for our marriage. so, we'll see what happens.

oh, and we have a beach vacation coming up. we're all so ready and excited!!

jumping ship...

2011-06-21T17:24:00.010-05:00

so you know i've been hesitating to update on the WTF appointment. mainly because i want to get the facts together in my head and not let emotions cloud my judgement of what the next step should be.

i guess the best way to sum it up would be to say that a little compassion goes a long way. and i had to look very hard to find it there. i don't need anyone to hold my hand...i need someone to help me get pregnant. but suffering a loss makes you a bit vulnerable, and it took every ounce of strength i had not to fall apart that day.

so today, i took the first step toward moving on. which was very difficult because i have been successful there. and i'm not sure what the right decision is or what we'll decide to do. but at least we've taken steps see what else is out there.

and thanks to my fellow SAIF'ers (you know who you are) :) who encouraged me to compile all my IF history into a handy dandy spreadsheet, which took me all night Friday to do. (this after my current RE's office wouldn't release my records in time for the appointment). but that's another story. anyway, the staff at the new clinic were quite impressed!

i'll start with the bad and end with the good stuff:

the bad:

the new clinic will add an hour to my drive time. today it took me 6 hours, but i'm sure with early morning traffic, it might push it to 7 hours. this will be difficult since i work full-time. it's in a large hospital, so getting into and out will be much trickier. and they want me to repeat a bunch of testing that we had done in January since it will have been 6 months by the time we cycle again (meaning more $$, of course).

the good:

the drive is beautiful, the staff was really friendly, and i loved the doc. one cool thing is that 3 out of the 4 docs there have ART/IVF babies, so they know what it's like to be in the trenches. and the doc i'm seeing did the first successful IVF in the state and worked with GE to invent the device that's now the standard of care for u/s-guided egg retrievals. so i guess she's qualified, lol.

the best part is that she gave me HOPE! after years of hearing that my eggs suck, that i have no hope of making decent blasts, that i should give up my dream for a 5-day transfer...she disagreed with all of that. in fact, she recommended a 5dt!! she literally took the words out of my mouth on several occasions: that i was oversupressed by BCP's last cycle, that she would have added menopur, used ganirelex instead of lupron, pushed for a 5dt, and upped my med dose. basically, everything i argued for at the WTF. my eyes welled up i was so happy.

and here's the kicker...something i NEVER thought i'd hear: she thinks i'm a candidate for their 2-cycle shared risk program. WTF?? i'm not going to get my hopes up too much. several criteria have to be met that i'm borderline for: AFC at least 12, successful clomid challenge test, etc. so we'll do this testing next month if i decide to cycle there and just see what happens.

she said she wouldn't even diagnose me as DOR--more unexplained than anything--and that she thinks i'll be a great responder with the right protocol. the sucess rate she threw out was 40%. probably more like 60% between two cycles.

we have one more phone consult in July for one of the top clinics in the country, but to be honest, they would have to promise me a first-cycle take home baby to make it worth the money we would spend cycling with them, lol. i really shouldn't kid about this...we might just end up there!

while i was gone, the IL's picked up Chase and spent the day with him. which was bittersweet, because i know he loved every second of it. but he hasn't been in a real pool since he was 3 months old, and they just sent me some cell phone pics from today. is it silly that i wanted to be there when he looked around in awe and felt the first sensations that he can really understand of being in a swimming pool? it's times like these that i wonder if all this time and energy we're spending on a chance for a sibling wouldn't be better invested spending with the sweet boy we already have. sigh.

i guess more than anything i just can't believe we're back on this rollercoaster again.

Happy Father's Day!...

2011-06-19T22:39:00.008-05:00

we started off the morning with a father/son breakfast in bed:

but before you get all impressed, the idea of it in my head was much better than the actual product. the card that i thought was a sealed father's day card from last year that i forgot to give R was actually this year's happy valentine's day card...oops! ;-) and unless you like cleaning smooshed eggs off your clean sheets, i'd recommend not letting your toddler eat breakfast in bed!

anyway, it's the thought that counts....right?

look who's walking!!...

2011-06-15T21:49:00.009-05:00

14 months old. it's about time, lol. R was starting to get a little worried about him, so he decided monday night they were going to practice until he got it...and it worked! now he has serious bragging rights because mommy is a PT but daddy is the one who taught him to walk ;-) i may never hear the end of this one!

he's learned to get in the bookshelf at daycare, and now he wants to take a nap up there some days. they have a hard time keeping him out of it. i told his teachers that he got it honest.

(no, he doesn't usually go without pants at DC, but he had a blowout and i didn't realize he was out of pants in his bag. bad mommy)

besides, he started out in the bookshelf, so i guess it feels like home to him :-)

lots to update on the next step, but i want to make sure i'm 100% decided before saying anything. hope everyone has a great week!

moving on...

2011-06-12T22:40:00.003-05:00

we're ok. really, i think we're ok now. so true how our lives just move on, whether we're ready or not. but i'm glad they do, because i'm not fond of dwelling in the past. i'd rather look forward to the joy that life brings every day. how our sweet son changes and grows, and hiding in bed with the covers pulled up over my head makes it really hard to see what's in front of me.

this week, he had his first big-boy haircut. and he LOVED it!

first time with crayons:

playing with his new water table (which i think he might need a couple more months before he truly appreciates this one). mainly, he just wanted to take everything out of the water and throw it on the ground :)

and soaking up some family love this weekend:

i'll update on the WTF appointment next time. i'm finding it difficult to express exactly how i felt. i think we need to decide first on a plan of where we go from here.

healing...

2011-06-07T21:35:00.002-05:00

5 weeks, 1 day and still pregnant...

the last few days have been very tough. it think it's the waiting for it to be over that has been the hardest. waiting for the gush that should have been your baby does something to you mentally that is not good.

slowly, though, i've begun the healing process. and thank God for my son, as he has pushed me along the way. forcing me to get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and to make it through the day.

today, i laughed for the first time in awhile. and it felt good. i think i'll do more of that soon. i'm ready for closure now...ready for the physical end to this pregnancy. and then i think i can move on.

Chase has been extra cuddly lately. i think he knows that his mommy needs it. i rocked him to sleep tonight and through tears, told him that he would have been such a good big brother. i'm glad he won't remember any of this.

on monday, i went back to work and it was so strange to face everyone who knew what had happened. i don't think people know what to say in these situations. in the afternoon, i locked myself in my office because i knew the big, ugly cry could occur at any moment. just when i was feeling the lowest, my sweet R sent the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and i can't tell you how much better it made me feel. i know he is hurting just as badly as i am.

and his parents held my hands as i cried this weekend and said the sweetest words. the two people i thought because of their faith would never understand this journey told me how proud they were of how hard we are fighting. that we will be parents again someday. and that God needed our baby in heaven more than we needed him here. i think they're right.

i hope i have learned something through this in how to comfort a loved one. how much it means for those to have called to say a simple, "i'm sorry for your loss". who hugged me not because they thought it was the right thing to do, but because they felt our pain.

so tomorrow i'll drive to the clinic in Memphis for what is possibly the last time. how many hours have i driven these past few weeks, dreaming of the joy this process could bring to our lives?

but this is not one of those trips. this is the WTF appointment, which i'm sure originally stood for "why treatment failed" but has affectionately been changed to describe the "what the f@#&" happened?? appointment that takes place after a failed cycle.

part of my healing process has been research, and i'm coming prepared with questions (2 pages to be exact) that i hope to have answered. we're still not sure what the next step will be, but we just can't shake the feeling that our family isn't complete. that i'll always stare across the table at the empty chair and think that should have another child in it. or when i watch Chase play by himself and talk to make-believe friends that should have been a real brother or sister.

i am trusting that God's timing is perfect and we will have the child that is meant for us when the time is right. or that God will put peace in our hearts to accept that we already have our perfect family. i guess only time will tell how this chapter ends.

it's over...

2011-06-04T15:32:00.008-05:00

and this is the ugly, bitter FAIL post. if you're looking for puppies and rainbows, this ain't that post.

oh, i'm sure i'll soon be back to my happy, unicorn-hugging self, but for now, i just need a place to vent.

beta today dropped from 88 to 70, so it's officially over. there will be no last-minute miracles this time. i'm to stop all my meds and wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally in the next few days to weeks. which i thank God for it happening soon, because i can't stand the thought of being pregnant too much longer when i know it's not viable.

i actually knew this morning that it was over when i took yet another hpt and it was suspiciously lighter. so for "fun with hpt's part 2"...a diary of a m/c via pee stick photos:

my breakdown occurred long before i got the official call, so i'm really ok now. just a tad bitter, which i'm sure is a normal reaction. and cynical. i'll share a few of the things i'm "thankful" for this cycle:

thankful for my RE's asshat partner who may or may not have looked at my chart before refusing to allow us to transfer 3 embryos. and for scaring my husband into agreeing with him after quoting 1% odds for triplets (as if my craptastic eggs could actually be capable of that). now we're left with a miscarriage and ONE snowbaby...actually a CBB grade (read: barely freezable quality) embryo that i'm sure has as much chance to survive the freeze and implant during a single-embryo FET as i do of winning the powerball. thanks...thanks for that. i'm glad i could pay your mortgage for the next 6 months.

and thankful that i didn't break the mirror with my disgusted hurling of a pee stick across the bathroom this morning. so then, on top of what is currently a $6/day pee stick habit, i would also be replacing an expensive mirror.

thankful that i cleaned the house of all decent wine after beginning my cycle so that i wouldn't be tempted to indulge after a particularly bad day at work. and so now i'm drowning my sorrows in a glass of Riunite Lambrusco. classy.

and thankful i get to drive 5 hours to the RE once a week to get betas drawn until my level reaches zero. did you know that even blood draws hurt a little more when there is no excitement or happy news expected from them? just an observation.

think i just need some time to heal. but i'm not giving up. i'll be back to kick some IF ass, no doubt. i understand that God has a perfect plan for our lives and i will just have to wait to see what that is. thanks for letting me get this out. think i feel a bit better now.

oh and if anyone needs a big brother onesie, it doesn't come with any good luck attached, but it's yours if you want it. just leave me a comment.

not good...

2011-06-02T17:25:00.005-05:00

today's beta only rose from 63 to 88, which is a 99 hour doubling time. they were looking for a hcg of 126+ with a 48-72 hour doubling time.

so obviously, this is not going to end well.

i asked the nurse if she's ever seen this situation turn into a healthy pregnancy. she said no. now, my RE has seen it happen 1-2 times in the entire length of his practice (30+ years) if that helps any. ummmm....no it doesn't.

so i'm to stay on my injections until Saturday, then go in for a repeat beta. right now i'm just in shock and reeling a bit. wishing i hadn't allowed myself to be hopeful and get attached. i still feel pregnant. please pray that this ends quickly and naturally. thank you for all your sweet comments, prayers, and support.

i'm realizing more every day what a miracle my sweet boy is and hugging him a little closer tonight :)

holy chit...

2011-05-31T20:56:00.005-05:00

it doubled!! i was soooo not expecting that. guess it's time revoke my pee stick analyzer license now, because obviously i don't know a double when i see one, lol.

beta number today....drumroll....63!! woot woot!

looks like we're on our way to #2 :)

ETA: i'm not even sure what to say in this post because i had the ugly, bitter FAIL post assembled in my head. repeat beta is Thursday, and before i get too ahead of myself, maybe we should see a couple more doubles, a decent u/s, and a RE graduation (spoken like a true IF patient, lol).

the birds and the bees...

2011-05-30T20:31:00.007-05:00

so first of all, some zoo pics from Sunday:

grizzly bear lodge. the only place in the park with A/C. man, was it hot!

polar bears busted getting their freak on. we had to shield Chase's poor virgin eyes, lol.

yeah dad, the giraffe is cool and all but i'm hot...and tired...and ready to go home.

now the section i like to call "fun with hpt's". a gallery of what is possibly the slowest rising beta i've ever seen documented...for your viewing pleasure ;)

i'll be pretty honest, if we have a double tomorrow, i will be quite surprised. before the ever so slight darkening of tonight's line, i was sure it was a chemical. guess we'll just have to wait and see.

big brother...

2011-05-29T14:15:00.001-05:00

beta is in...29 at 10dp3dt! we're officially pregnant!

i know this number is very low and we're not out of the woods yet, but we're one step closer. and that makes me so incredibly happy.

and i know someone else who's excited, too (although it obviously took him a minute to warm up to the idea, lol):

i've been in pee stick limbo since 7dp3dt when i got my first very faint bfp. then it was darker, then lighter, then the digital said 'not pregnant' even when i could see a distinct line on the FRER. ughhh. i do realize that was a bit masochistic, but i couldn't help myself! honestly, i've been going back and forth today between being excited and being scared to death that the low number is not a good sign.

i went to bed after the last post convinced that it was going to be another early miscarriage. but when i woke up and tested on Saturday, sure enough...'pregnant' popped up on the digital...and i knew.

so i quickly hatched a plan to tell R as soon as he woke up, but it was all complicated by a crazy call schedule the night before and he was so, so tired. here's the video of us telling daddy the good news (he's either totally in shock or still half asleep, lol):

we wanted to make a fun family day of the beta draw since it was such a long drive, so afterward, we decided to go explore the Memphis zoo (Chase's first zoo trip). and somewhere between visiting the monkeys and the giraffes, the call came in telling us it was positive!

even though we have a long way to go, i'm determined to cherish every tiny step along the way. and so the cycle i was sure was doomed from the start is turning out to be ok. it worked...OMG...it really worked!!

if we could ask for anything it would be to keep up the prayers that we get a strong doubling number on Tuesday, everything progresses as it's supposed to, and we have a HEALTHY baby at the end of this. thank you, God, for this precious miracle.

Chase...

2011-05-27T23:22:00.005-05:00

oh, how i do love this precious little boy. and with every bfn since and every pee stick that i've twisted and turned, peered at in different lighting, squinted, and prayed to see two lines, i realize even more what a miracle he is.

he's my heart. pure and simple. the one who made me a mommy...and for that i am so grateful. and even if i never get to experience the joy of pregnancy again, i will pour everything i have into raising this one perfect child.

i love everything about him...how he wakes in the morning and cries, blinking and rubbing his eyes, trying to figure out where he is. and how he reaches up for me when he is upset or needs to be held and loved. how ticklish he is on the soles of his feet and how his smile and laughter lights up the room.

how he loves to be rocked to sleep every night, our chests rising and falling together until i can tell his breathing has slowed and he's finally given up. sometimes i lay him down after awhile and sit and rock some more in case he wakes up and needs something. and just tonight, how sweet it was when he fell asleep sitting up in the crib, face pressed against the slats, looking for me in the shadows of his nursery.

i miss him during the day...so much...but i know he's in a good place. exposed to far more learning opportunities and social interaction than i could ever give him as a stay at home mom. i know plenty of SAHM's that do this beautifully, but i fear i'm lacking a few talents required to pull it off :) and by working, i can feed the part of myself that needs to be fulfilled by a career i love and also can provide for the experiences that i want him to have growing up.

the best part of my day still is coming to pick him up and seeing that spark of recognition and huge smile spread across his face when i walk in the door.

so while i'm waiting to find out what direction our lives will soon take, i want to dedicate this post to the one who inspired us to go through this all over again.

thank you Brandy, for the beautiful photos. and for the opportunity to work with such an amazing photographer :)

FWIW, beta is Sunday and it looks like we may need all the prayers we can get.

we have a snowbaby!!!...

2011-05-22T18:36:00.006-05:00

the little booger made it to freeze! i had some big crocodile tears after that call, for sure. so proud of the little guy (or girl) :) and it gives me so much hope for the two in my belly. i know, i know, still a long way to go, but coming from such a bad start with this cycle, i'm celebrating every little victory along the way. OMG. we.have.a.snowbaby!

no matter what happens, we'll be back for you little one :)

meanwhile, R took Chase to my dad's for the weekend so i could rest a little longer, and he had an awesome time. i can't wait to get him back home, though :) here he is in heaven on the front porch swing with mamaw (before and after):

i'm still on the couch drinking pom and pineapple core smoothies (supposed to help with implantation--we'll see). you know, i could get used to this, lol. but i may be 500 lbs. before it's over with!

now that i think of it, i probably should be drinking that out of a different cup. my team hasn't been too lucky lately, lol.

thank you to everyone for your sweet comments and especially your prayers. one more week...

bedrest chronicles...

2011-05-20T16:09:00.006-05:00

i'm useless and lazy...no denying that fact. and scared to get up. i don't want to mess up in the exact moment that one (or both) babies try to dig in. as i write this, they are rapidly dividing and hopefully searching for the perfect spot to call home for the next nine months.

(this was taken yesterday, right before embryo transfer)

i found a cool link to a timeline of what happens after a 3dt. (if everything is going according to schedule, they should now look like the pic on the top right or bottom left), with plans to hatch out of their shells on day 5 as seen in the last pic:

i've been wondering about the one we left behind and praying it will continue to develop--and isn't too lonely on it's own. i'll admit i literally begged the RE yesterday to let us transfer it also after i heard that it was still viable. but after discussing the increased twin rate and possible complications related, neither R or the doc would sign off on that plan.

i just kept picturing that one as Chase and thinking 'what if we had left him behind?' it makes me terribly sad to think about that. herein lies the complex moral issues involving IVF. last time i saw them simply as cells, but this time i have a very clear picture of what those tiny cells could become:

i'm going to try to block that out for awhile.

anyway, 24 more hours and it's back to normal activities. including something i'm missing terribly, which is taking care of my sweet boy :) R is having quite the education in all that mamas do, though. i'm secretely getting a bit of a kick out of it ;) seriously, he's a very good dad (and nurse) and is trying very hard to do my progesterone in oil (PIO) injections carefully so i don't end up with a painful reaction like last time.

(yes, the needle is that big--and the IM injection must be done daily for 6-8 weeks)

oh well, whatever it takes!

homecoming!!..

2011-05-19T15:54:00.004-05:00

the ET went very smoothly today. per the RE's recommendation, we transferred the two best quality embies, an 8-celled grade B and a 7-celled grade B. there was one lone 'fair' quality left that still has some potential to make it to freeze, but the last two will definitely crap out.

i was quoted a 40-50% chance of pregnancy, and only a 10% twin rate with transferring two, so it made sense to maximize our chances. just praying our sticky sibling is one of these two!

i'd like to introduce you to our babies :)

today, i'm just on the couch, eating everything in sight and bedresting for the next 48 hours. let the two-week wait begin.

five little indians...

2011-05-18T22:15:00.005-05:00

so we have five now!! the one they almost gave up on yesterday bounced back and joined the rest of the brood :) i'm so proud of our little fighters! they've had to go through a lot of changes already as shown below (for those like me who are interested in the medical aspect of this process)

ICSI injection of sperm completed:

Two pronuclei (these are the male and female DNA) seen at 10 o'clock, day 1 after egg retrieval:

2-cell and 4-cell embryos, 2 days after egg retrieval (this is what ours look like now):
8-cell embryo, 3 days after egg retrieval (they should look similar to this tomorrow):
embryos aren't technically supposed to naturally arrive in the uterus until around the fifth day after fertilization (they are still in the fallopian tubes at this stage). plus the fact that it's hard to pick out the best quality ones after such a short time...that's why there is a slightly lower chance of pregnancy with day three transfers, but we have so few that if we wait around until the fifth day to watch them, there may be nothing left to transfer :(

so three-day it is!! here are the embryo deets:

4 of them are 4-celled and one is 3-celled (a little slower)

we have 2 grade B "good" embies and 3 grade C "fair" embies (based on level of fragmentation)

did i mention that Chase was a grade B embryo and look how cute he turned out, lol!

anyway, we're so excited about meeting our little ones tomorrow. i'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but just want to stay positive and thankful for how far we've come already.

see you tomorrow, babies!!

thankful...

2011-05-17T22:14:00.006-05:00

not yesterday. it was a...let me think of a good word for it...i guess yesterday was a challenging day. beginning with awakening during surgery to the feeling of a needle being jabbed through my uterine wall. for which i had to beg them to crank up the anesthesia. (i believe i may have been more conscious than sedated for most of it).

to afterward, my RE telling me they retreived only 5 eggs. less than half of the 13 they retrieved last time. three less than he predicted going into surgery. i think i cried from the time he said that to the time i went home. not pretty. for me or the poor nurse trying to take care of me in the recovery room :(

but after a few hours, a couple tylenol #3, and one (ok, three) yummy cupcakes from my favorite bakery, i was feeling much better. more hopeful and just trusting that whatever happened that afternoon during the fertilization was up to God.

and today i'm so unbelievably thankful...

thankful for the call telling me that all five fertilized!! 100.percent.fertilization.rate. OMG. thankful that we now have four tiny, 1-celled babies doing well and looking beautiful. all snuggled together in a tiny dish, in a lab, being watched closely for signs of distress ;)

thankful that R was with me through the whole thing, and hugged me close in the recovery room while i cried and told me that everything would be ok.

thankful that he works very long hours to provide for us so that we have the opportunity to do this not once, but twice. (a fact that is not lost on me)

thankful that in two short days, my babies will be coming back home and hopefully will make Chase a big brother. and so thankful that he's been without sickness long enough to allow us time to travel five-hour trips for these procedures.

thankful there's a 99% chance that our next baby will not have this birth defect. though healed, the fear was still something i hope we never to go through again.

thankful for my infertility sisters/friends who offered so many encouraging stories yesterday and shared pictures of their babies who were conceived from their IVF cycles where they had as few or fewer eggs than we got.

and so, so thankful to hold baby T tonight, at home, finally. what a blessing!

(Chase is not happy at all about my holding another baby:)

we still have a long way to go, so please, please keep the prayers up. whatever happens, we're not giving up. you can bet on that.

IVF #2 update and egg retrieval tomorrow!...

2011-05-15T20:44:00.008-05:00

this one has been much easier than the last one. not sure if it's because i know what to expect, because R is here to give my shots and offer support, or because i have one little miracle as proof that it just may work :)

anyway, here are the stats:

IVF #1: stim day 4--E2: 227, stim day 6--E2: 921, stim day 8--E2: 1,957 with 15 measurable follies, stim day 9--E2: 3,357 (trigger). retreived 13 eggs, 11 mature, 8 fertilized with ICSI and transferred 2 grade 2 embies on day 3.

IVF 2#: stim day 4--E2: 223, stim day 6--E2: 866 with 7 measurable follies (12-18 mm), stim day 8--E2: 1,357 with 8 follies (R: 17, 14, 21 mm and L: 21, 21, 19, 21, 21 mm) (trigger).

so basically, i stimmed faster, which is weird because i was on the same dose of meds. instead of dropping my dose and stimming longer, they kept it the same 187.5 mg of Gonal F the whole time.

a bit of disappointment is creeping in because i have roughly half the follies (ie. potential eggs) and less than half the E2 level this time at trigger, but hopefully the docs know something i don't and we'll get better quality with this cycle. i'm definitely less uncomfortable and probably won't have OHSS like last time, so that's good. i guess we'll know more when i wake up from surgery tomorrow :)

in the meantime, a few sweet pics (and look who's trying to walk!!)

and rearrange the furniture, lol:

guess what?? baby T is home!! no tubes, almost 7 lbs. and doing so amazingly well. what an awesome day it was yesterday, finally home after 4 1/2 months in the NICU. i love a happy ending :)

happy, happy, day!...

2011-05-08T21:33:00.019-05:00

R did an awesome job this year of making mother's day special. breakfast in bed, laundry, dishes, vacuuming...all done...so i could do nothing but spend time with the one who made me a mommy. and my gift was a day at the spa, which i'm sure to be needing by the time ET rolls around. the weekend started off with a mother's day luncheon at day care on Friday, where we got to spend time with the babies at a time of the day during the week when they aren't expecting to see their mommies. it was a lot of fun to meet the other mom's i didn't know well and to watch our kiddos interact. here is Chase with his future bride A (yes, it's an arranged marriage)

they're both IVF babies from the same clinic, only a month apart. here is the post i talked about seeing A's mom at the RE.

Saturday, we had Chase's 1-year-old pictures, which began professionally enough, but ended in a hold-your-tummy-because-it-hurts-so-bad-to-laugh smash cake shoot when he dove head-first into the cake. bwwwwaaaa! maybe you had to be there but, oh my gawd was it hilarious:

and here's a pic i snapped:

here's the link to the sneak peak. please leave her a comment if you liked it.

on Sunday, we played in the baby pool, took wagon rides, and spent time doing our favorite thing these days: stretching out on a blanket in the yard playing ball, reading, and blowing bubbles. this time is so, so precious and fleeting. i'm just trying to drink it all in.

last night we had our monthly girls' night turned 'bring-the-baby-night', much to the chagrin of a couple of the ladies. it was interesting trying to keep a 1 year old occupied for that long. needless to say, we'll be working a little harder next time to find babysitters. oh well, at least Chase and N's little girl had fun!

though, if this is any indication, baby T will need some serious supervision when he gets home from the NICU, lol:

here is a pic with his Godmother, L: (OMG, he looks like such a big boy here!)

and here's a juicy tidbit if you made it this far. i've debated posting this in case it ends badly, but WTH: today is stim day 5 and we're halfway through IVF #2. same doc, same protocol, and it seems to be going exactly the same as last time. please keep us in your prayers that things continue to go well :)

p.s. somehow i deleted this after a couple days and had to re-do it. sorry i lost your comment, Jeanna :(

Will someone please throw me a decent lemon?

2011-05-03T21:22:00.007-05:00

Smithville, MS, population: 900. only thing left standing is the water tower.

so incredibly sad.

i hope you've had a xanax or some other mind-numbing cocktail, because there's difficult news all around. please click over and give my baby sis a word of support if you could. all of our hearts are just breaking for her loss.

the past week has been extremely painful and scary. deadly tornadoes swirled above us throughout the South. one literally obliterating a neighboring small town. my prayers go out to those affected. they are predicting this will be the worst tornado outbreak in history. 15 of our neighbors have lost their lives, over 300 so far have been listed as victims of a string of tornadoes, many developing into F5 category (the worst ones). some people survived by holding onto structures they were sure would have blown away in another 5 seconds.

i hid in the safest location i could find, holding hands and praying aloud with co-workers and friends. when the sound of the roaring train came, and the huge hail storm began, I looked outside our barred windows and it was the most eerie greenish pitch-black color you could imagine. several of us made comments that they could feel the air pressure changing. it was FRIGHTENING, to say the least. we thought we just might die here, had it dropped a little lower to the ground.

thank God everyone close to me was ok, just some minor tree damage at work and at home,

nothing a few weekends of work won't fix, but some areas will take a lot, lot longer to rebuild.

so this is the part where i elicit your help fixing some of this crap and hopefully, karma will reward us soon with a crop of perfectly yellow, crisp, sweet, (but not too sour) lemons for our next batch.

if you'd like to help tornado vicitims in MS, AL, or GA, please contact your nearest Red Cross Location or The Salvation Army

and one more cause i'd like to highlight since it's very close to my heart is the Pampers Points for Micropreemies Campaign! Starting this week (May 5th), you can donate your Pamper's points to Graham's Foundation. Link to campaign info. here.They are a great organization that supports the parents and families of micropreemies and provides free care packages to NICU parents.

i sent one to my friend N, and it even had a cute little camo outfit inside!

let's please, please make this next week better than the previous one or i'm taking my toys and going home ;-)

before and after helmet pics!!...

2011-04-28T23:09:00.012-05:00

i'm so excited to finally show the progress that we've been seeing for the past 4 1/2 months that Chase has been wearing his plagiocephaly helmet. we went back to the orthotist today and his cephalic index (width to length ratio) has decreased another 1%, taking it from 92% (abnormal) to 88% (high normal range). they want to eventually see it get to around 84-86%, but his soft spot hasn't closed yet, so now that he's mobile and can sleep on his belly, it should continue to improve on it's own for the next couple of months.

i was kind of hoping to take it off today for good, but his orthotist wants to do a slow wean. so we'll cut the wear time back by two hours per day for the next two weeks, and then take it off altogether. we have been so pleased with how much it has helped! hopefully these pics can convince someone who is on the fence about getting their child a helmet, that they really are worth it.

i think, more than anything, it was guilt that drove me to getting this for him. i just couldn't imagine someone making fun of him later for having a flat head and blaming me for not doing something about it when we could. the sad thing is that now that we've been through it, i notice flat and misshapen heads on babies everywhere. something really needs to be done to educate the public and pediatricians about this problem.

without further ado...the unveiling: :)
(before is on the left and after is on the right)

i apologize in advance for the crap quality of some of these pics. it was really hard to get clear shots of a moving, wet baby who kept trying to stand up in the tub!

and one more because he's so darn cute with his new top teeth coming in:

i can't wait to cuddle his sweet head at night while we rock to sleep...and get forehead kisses...and see him in cute outfits that clash with camo :) and pretty soon, the nightly cleaning routine of a stinky helmet will be a thing of the past.

me thinks R is going to have to find somewhere else to put his NRA stickers ;)

fly by post...

2011-04-24T22:55:00.025-05:00

first off: Happy Easter everyone!! or maybe just to the handful of people out there who still follow this dinky little blog, ha ha ;)

just wanted to post a couple pics, spread some good news, and ask for some prayers. not for me this time, but for a few of my most loved peeps.

starting with a few pics of Chase on his first Easter: (this was his sleepy-eyed post nap look)

showing off his new sidewalk chalk:

Easter egg hunt with the neices:

Baby T is off the feeding tube and is planning a discharge as soon as they can take him off the flow setting of oxygen. he has a retina check this week and if all is good, they can put him on 100% oxygen, which is what he needs to be on to go home.

also prayers needed for my friend J who is currently in the 2WW after IVF#2 (the first one was a bust). i'm hoping those two beans are snuggling in for the long haul.

and special prayers for my baby sis for a great report from her ultrasound on Wednesday.

we need some divine intervention here, Lord. these ladies have been waiting patiently long enough!

1 year old!!...

2011-04-23T15:50:00.007-05:00

well, it looks like i just missed celebrating our 200th post and my 2 year blogger anniversary. so we'll just celebrate it all with an extra long post!

Chase had his 1 year old check up this week, and it went really well. here are the stats:

weight - 22.4 lbs (43%)
height - 29 in. (25%) this is really subjective depending on who measures but i'm sure he won't be a giant since his parents aren't either
head - 18.3 in. (86%) yeah, he's got a big 'ole melon :-)

the only thing the pedi was even remotely concerned with is a persistent diastasis recti leftover from the omphalocele. he's going to talk to a pediatric surgeon to get his take, but unless it begins affecting his gross motor skills, he thinks it's purely cosmetic. guess i'll let Chase decide if he wants to fix it at some point or just have a little something that makes him special ;-) there's also a chance it will go away as the abdominal muscles develop more, so that would be ideal.

lately, he is really starting to develop quite a personality! he loves to say, "dada" and will do it all day, even when you try to get him to say, "mama". i think it's a funny game to him now.

he has about 5 words that i can make out clearly: "mama", "dada", "dog", "uh-oh", and "bye bye". still not walking, but he is pulling up, cruising, and crawling like a champ. he signs 'all done', 'eat', 'drink', 'bye bye', and is ((this close)) to blowing kisses.

here are some pics and video from this week:

Grammy pushing him in the swing:

i love, love that his favorite toy is a stuffed giraffe that i bought after one of our perinatologist appointments, where i promised i'd get him something really special from the hospital gift shop if he cooperated during the ultrasound. here's the post. he has loved this giraffe so often that the guts started coming out and R had to stitch it back up for him. he simply will not go to bed these days without it!

watching bubbles:

falling asleep in the wagon after a long day at the park:

and what really goes on during nap time:

getting SO excited over cake!

and this is a big, big week: it's helmet graduation week! it couldn't have come soon enough, because he just figured out how to take it off. i'll be sure to update with before and after pics. happy week!

happy birthday sweet boy!...

2011-04-19T00:25:00.008-05:00

one year ago seems like a lifetime away from where we are now.

i remember that heartbreaking call from my best friend telling me that her son was gone. we spent most of those last few months together, alternately panicking about our high-risk pregnancies and settling each other down when one of us managed to get our head on straight enough to be the cheerleader for that day. and we dared to dream of the friendship that we hoped our first-born boys would have some day.

but God had his own plans, which we wouldn't know until much later, after a graveside service for a son that was very much wanted but just too precious for earth. we hugged goodbye through tears that night as i left the cemetary and made the long trip toward our own scary journey.

the very next day, in the delivery room, i felt an angel watching over me.

and i guess there really was one.

our nerves had calmed somewhat and i was at peace with everything that was to happen in the next seconds, minutes, and hours. if you want to read the birth story, it's here. i'm finding it harder and harder to read and not cry--i'm at the point where i have too many questions that just can't be answered.

but the tiny, frail baby that was given to me on April 19,2010 has been the greatest accomplishment and source of joy in my life. he will always be my first born...the one who made me a mommy.

i hope i have done him justice in his first year.

i hope i have sacrificied enough a perfect home and social life when it mattered...setting it all aside for book readings, and drawn-out bathtub times, and cuddles, and tickles, and little piggies, and pool dips, and wagon trips, and blowing bubbles, and swinging in big boy swings, and quick trips shopping in the bjorn/sling/cart, etc., which would have been entirely easier, but much less fun without him.

the highlight of my day is picking him up from daycare when his big blue eyes light up and open so wide i fear they will pop one day. his smile stretching from one side of his face to the other, two sweet white chicklet baby teeth showing. just completely head-over-heels in love with his mommy.

well, i guess that's enough mush for one day...bring on the party pics!!

first off...my little helper decorating with me ;-)

and the smash cake before and after. (he was one sleeply little baby by that point). i thought for a second he was going to pass out face-first in his monkey cake. but after a bit of a sugar rush, he came back to life!

fitting in with the party theme, was a fun game of pin the tail on the monkey:

and if you look really closely on the ground, you'll see the mangled body of a monkey egg we hunted ;-) it was a little disturbing to some of the kids when the hot-glued ears started coming off. ooops!

and the gorgeous and yummy cake:

and a bit of over-the-topness from a very excited mommy:

and a pic from his cupcake party today at school:

thank you for giving me the best year of my life and for carefully applying a bandaid over my heart. i love you, peanut.

which one do you want first?

2011-04-16T00:23:00.010-05:00

ok, starting with the good news...which i'll relay with the most awesome of pics. baby T and i in the NICU!!

even though technically only family can hold him, i finally got my chance! there's a possibility that we used the "easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission" strategy--but hey--i am an honorary aunt, after all! 38 weeks gestation and doing so amazingly well. praying he will be coming home very soon.

Chase's birthday is in just a few days. in fact, we're having his first b-day party tomorrow. the tiny party i planned in my head is now a monkey-themed extravaganza. R keeps joking to people that the live elephant will be leaving by 5, so the guests better get there early! ha ha. very funny ;-)

this week has been such an emotional one...just reliving all the events of one year ago. all the fear, and anticipation, and shock, and then the unbelievable joy...i don't think R and i will ever be the same people that we were before.

my favorite birthday present is Chase's birth story, that i had published into a book for him using blurb.com. of course, it won't mean anything to him this year, but maybe soon it will. i designed it through many hours of tears, and i hope he's proud of it one day.

it would be extremely hard to celebrate Chase's birthday without also remembering the birthday of another special little boy, born two days before. my tiny gift to N is this dedication written at sunset in the sand on a beach in Australia:

To Write Their Names In The Sand:

Charles Leighton Benjamin
April 17th, 2010
USA

How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently;
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
Your footprints have left
On our hearts.

--Author Unknown

shhhh...don't tell her yet. i'm hoping it's a small way to let her know that her angel baby is always in our thoughts.

and a bit more good news. i'm pleased to announce that my beloved little sis is about to experience this beautiful journey of pregnancy. she has a new IF/pregnancy blog here. congrats, baby sis! no one deserves this more than you :-)

look at this sweet little guy--he's desperate for a cousin his own age: (not that Tristin isn't way cool in a older-cousin kind of way)

and now the bad news...well, bad for R and i. our very-obvious-to-everyone-else-but-me sign that this cycle was yet another bfn: (uggghh, evaporation lines are the devil)

thank goodness for internet cheapies or i would be broke as a joke right now with my POAS addiction ;-)

guess we're officially moving on. i started bcp's last monday, so there's no turning back now. i'm still debating how much i make public, so we'll see. part of me wants R and i to have our own little secret that most couples get to have when they are in the process of baby-making. but the other part says screw it--i need all the support i can get ;-)

7 dpo of the hail mary cycle...

2011-04-01T23:45:00.005-05:00

and feeling absolutely nothing :-( we've had 5 "not-preventing-but-not-really-trying" cycles followed by 5 perfectly timed and, well...perfect ...natural cycles. and nada. if this one is a bust, we're moving on (to IVF #2, that is).

disclaimer: now, i do reserve the right to edit and/or delete this post if i see two lines in a few days ;-) but i'm really not too hopeful.

what began as a fun, "let's see what happens experiment" really isn't so fun anymore. i'm tired of peeing on sticks and hoping that pregnancy fixed me. it's really not about beating infertility (although that would have been nice, lol) but about the ultimate goal of completing our family.

and while i haven't thrown a pee stick across the bathroom in disgust yet, i think it's best to end this little experiment before the bitterness creeps back in. it doesn't sting so much this time. i guess because i have a sweet little boy to scoop up and hug when it starts to feel hopeless. if he is the only one we ever have, i will be eternally grateful and fulfilled.

but i really want to give him a sibling.

some of my favorite childhood (and adult) memories are of times with my brother. we are 20 months apart and were always so close growing up. i want Chase to have that, too.

i want to listen to the big one tattle on the little one for stealing a toy. and referee back-seat wrestling matches on the way to Disneyworld. and see them waiting for the school bus together. and hugging as they graduate from college.

my mom would probably tell you a different and far less romantic story of what raising kids so close in age was really like. one of the funniest things i remember is of my brother and i bickering so much at the dinner table that she'd finally end it by screaming, "can't we have just one meal in peace???" lol.

i try not to get too discouraged, because really, the plan is not up to me.

so enough about that. i've been a very bad blogger lately. but i've been busy working, traveling, planning and a baby shower for my friend N (yayyy!), and a first birthday party for my little man!

even though it's halfway to the twelvth month post, i'm going to do a belated 11 month post, since i missed that one ;-)

Chase is doing so much lately: cruising, pulling up everywhere, walking behind dino, playing pattycake like a pro, cutting a top tooth, and adding "dog" to his vocabulary.

he has to wear the helmet until April 27th (at which time, his head should be perfect per the orthotist). that will make it 4 1/2 months since we've been able to see his whole sweet face for more than a few hours at a time. i'm so, so ready to get it off!

here are some recent pics:

mommy's little 'helper':

st. paddy's day parade:

getting ready for easter:

and caught with his hand in the cookie jar:

Moving fast...

2011-02-26T00:47:00.005-06:00

Chase has taken off...crawling....like really fast! this calm, laid back baby who for months was just satisfied sitting in one place, watching the world move around him has all of a sudden become an explorer. i found him standing in his crib one morning this week, and from then on it was pull-up-on-anything-that-will-stand-still-time. no one is safe!

we rescued him from potential choking hazards twice today using the finger sweep technique. once while he was trying to chew the rubber piece off the door stop, and once after losing the valve to the breathing machine, only to find it in his mouth! i'm definitely going to have to stay on my toes. you can't leave these wild things alone for a second.

what did i do, mommy?
i think we've sufficiently babyproofed--well, except for the top of stairs gate that is sitting in a box in the foyer. hope that little project gets done tomorrow...ahem, R ;)

i'm 99% finished with the birthday planning. i hope it turns out to be perfect...or perfectly imperfect. it will be special either way!

we're on the countdown to helmet graduation: 3 weeks away! it can not come soon enough!! so many cute outfits i want to put on him just look blah with camo! and i'm getting a bit exhaused by the stares/questions on the street. it always takes me by surprise because i'm so used to it, but everyone wants to know: a) what's wrong with his head?, b) did he have an accident?, and/or c) is that to protect him in case he falls?...and over and over. i'm tempted to make up a story to see their reactions, but that's ugly.

Chase definitely looks like my dad--so funny! we're going to teach him to do the traditional one-handed wave pose so he can carry on the look. now the reddish hair--i have no idea where that came from. but i did see a Dateline just the other day on clinic mixups...well, nevermind!

Chase loves to sit in his red wagon--he loves going for rides and just checking out the mechanics. i think he's showing signs of the potential for a career in engineering. they tell me he's the only one in his daycare class who can figure out how to get the safety locks off the cabinets. and he's constantly opening/closing doors and turning things upside down to see how they work.

i'll try to post some more videos soon. hope you have a great weekend!

10 months old!...

2011-02-23T22:09:00.002-06:00

where has my tiny baby gone? i swear, i look at him now, and all of a sudden he's a little boy! in less than two months, we'll be celebrating his first birthday :) here he is learning to crawl. not there yet, but he's getting close:

(i think he looks just like my dad here:)
which--speaking of b-days--i'm elbow-deep in preparation. really want to do this inexpensively but still make it cute and memorable. see what you think of what i've found so far. love me some etsy!

i found the cutest shirt that i want to get personalized for him to wear: (minus the hat)

what i really need to do is get on the ball with ordering invitations!

so, we have been without sickness in our house for going on 3 weeks! Chase had his follow-up ear tube appointment on Tuesday and got a great report. please, please, let this glorious period of wellness last! :)

and....drumroll, please: guess who i found standing up in their crib this morning? yes, he can officially pull up now. let the wild times begin!

in TTC news, the study is out. i got word that they will have all the participant slots filled by April, and i won't be 35 to qualify until August. Booo :(

and last, but definitely not least, Friday our 9-year anniversary! can't believe it's been that long. looking forward to a fun-filled weekend with my two favorite guys.

busy week...

2011-02-13T00:03:00.001-06:00

we had R's co-workers over for a super bowl party last Sunday. sometime between taking down Christmas decorations and getting ready for this party, my house decided it wanted a little makeover. we painted the kitchen and dining room and switched up all the rugs and wall art. it's been 6 years that we've been here, and i just needed a little change of scenery. i love, love, love it!

here are some pics of our friends buddying up to our little man:

one of his potential future girlfriends (a bit of a cougar, lol):

Chase had tubes placed in his ears on Monday, which was much more traumatic for his mama ;) really, it went fine. one of our favorite CRNA's took care of him. she carried him off and put him to sleep before he even knew that i was missing.

as it often does, the anesthesia threw him for a loop and he woke up screaming--not even a bottle was calming him down. the crazy part was that Chase's great granddad was going to be in the same day for skin cancer surgery, and they were able to wake up in the recovery room together. how cool was that?

not so happy camper:

then on Friday, we had a CT scan that was ordered by the pediatric neurologist to rule out craniosynostosis (premature fusing of the skull sutures). if found, this would have meant surgery. we were relieved to find out that his sutures were fine. the only bummer was that the report showed asymmetry of the brain correlating with skull asymmetry. Guess nothing to worry about, but i kinda was hoping it just said everything was back to normal! (if i'm being completely honest with myself, i can still see and feel the flatness, but it's much better than it was).

you know what i've learned from all this? my next baby (Lord willing) will be spending some time sleeping on his/her belly.

here is a video of Chase scooting about the house in a patented one-leg-assisted, double-arm pull, army belly crawl. so cute!!

thinking out loud...

2011-02-01T22:53:00.005-06:00

so my bloodwork is all back. FSH 4.75 (yes, 4 point freaking 75!) the lowest it's ever been. AMH is 1.9 (normal) and E2 is 33.1 (normal). could it be that pregnancy has cured me of DOR? mostly kidding, but it did cross my mind. guess what it told me is that maybe we have a little bit of time to play with. i'm still holding out for the IVF study and in the meantime, praying for a surprise bfp ;) we'll see...

Chase is doing so well. we had a helmet check-up yesterday and i'm happy to report that he is now within the normal range of head measurements. his cephalic index decreased from 92% to 90% (perfectly oval is around 75-80%, but since the back-to-sleep campaign started, a tiny bit of flattening is now considered normal).

the orthotist wants him to wear the helmet for another 6 weeks and then hopefully, we can take it off for good! i'm so ready to be able to see my baby's sweet face all the time and give him kisses on the forehead :) here are a couple new videos i took tonight. the first shows his progress on moving from sitting to all fours.

still hasn't figured the crawling thing just yet, but it won't be long. of course, he only goes forward for "no-no's" like the dog toys. he'll work like crazy to get things he's not supposed to have! and his first attempt at standing while holding onto something that moves. pretty good, if you ask me :)

since he's had three rounds of antibiotics and no progress on the ear infection, we're getting tubes placed on Monday. the surgery should be very easy, but it's still going to be tough handing him over to be put to sleep :(

and i'm really thinking the pedi was BSC for diagnosing him with asthma before the age of 1. i'm going to go ahead and say it was all related to the RSV. hopefully, he stays well for awhile now!

9 months old!...

2011-01-19T22:46:00.000-06:00

Chase is finally well! he's down to one breathing treatment per day and is back to being the happy baby i know. we took him in for his 9 month checkup this week and our pedi was very pleased with how he's growing:

Height: 28 1/4 in. (53%)
Weight: 21.2 lbs (63%)--getting closer together!
Head circumference: 83%

he's babbling "mama", "dada" and can wave bye bye and do pattycake...so cute! he gets around the house with a reverse army crawl, which is too funny to watch. we've tried to get him to go forward, but hey, when you can go backward like a champ, why bother?

we're working on standing, but have a long way to go before he's independent. i'm definitely not rushing it because that's just sooner that he'll be getting into everything ;)

he's also starting to work on eating some finger foods (cut up really well) and using a sippy cup. i haven't found anything yet that he doesn't eat, but boy, can he make a mess!

i'm just loving this stage of mommyhood. Chase is so expressive, happy, and loving.

tonight as i was rocking him to sleep and singing the worst rendition ever of "twinkle, twinkle little star", i looked down and he was staring up at me with those big blue eyes and smiling the biggest smile. i think he kind of digs his mommy!

ever since we got the helmet, he's been sleeping on his stomach, which is something he'd never do before. (hence part of the reason for the helmet it the first place, lol) somehow, he gets all wedged in the crib and i usually find him in this position when i go to bed:

ooops...woke him up:

Chase has two bottom teeth coming in, so he spends a lot of time with Sophie, the giraffe:

for some more randomness: here's a pic of him riding in the hospital's red kiddie car: he was all 10-and-2 for most of it ;)

and one where he's looking like, take my bottle and we're going to have some problems, lady ;)

we have much better recent pics, but i have to learn how to upload them off the SLR first. my new year's resolution is to learn how to use our good camera!

and last but not least, want to see a superbaby? God is making miracles happen every day for him. i'm so proud of my friend N. we would love any extra prayers you could spare.

sick baby...

2011-01-08T19:06:00.007-06:00

what a week!

well, actually it started with some crusty eyes last week, which the pedi called in some eyedrops for because it was New Year's Eve and nothing was open.

that actually seemed to help a bit, although Chase had a lingering cough that we were watching and still taking some cough medicine for.

on monday night, i noticed his breathing was a little labored in the bathtub and he wasn't his usual playful self.

so R took him to the pedi on tuesday and they said it was a bad ear infection and asthma. we started breathing treatments and antibiotics. unfortunately, it was RSV and pneumonia. this discovered after pedi appt. #3 on thursday when they finally checked his sats and found them at 84%. and a chest x-ray showed an infiltrated right middle lobe. he was running a fever and very short of breath, with wheezing and an awful cough.

poor thing! we've been in the hospital for 4 days now and he's finally weaning off oxygen and maintaining his sats. man, that was some scary stuff. i think my nerves are shot from watching the monitor tick down lower and lower when they would try him without oxygen.

the funny thing is, he's learning to crawl and stand in his hospital bed! (and cutting his first tooth)

and even at his sickest, he wasn't turning down a bottle, lol!

hopefully, we'll get to go home tomorrow and won't be back in the hospital for a long, long time.

well hello there, AF...

2011-01-05T12:05:00.005-06:00

and goodbye chances for a surprise bfp this cycle, lol. kind of crazy that i've actually missed her a little over the past 20 months. but her return means we can get this show on the road! guess we're going to start the grueling pre-IVF testing, which should take a couple months at least. my RE requires all the bloodwork, sonohysterogram, boys tested, u/s, etc. re-done since it's been over a year.

our plan is to get updated FSH and AMH numbers to check my DOR status (here's an interesting article if you're into this stuff). if it's not too bad, we'll wait until august when i'll be eligible to participate in an IVF study testing a new stim drug on "old" eggs. i have to be 35 to participate, and the study is 1/2 full now, but hopefully there will be a spot left. the great part about it is that it will by 100% free, although you have to be their lab rat for a good chunk of time during stims and after if you are successful.

if the numbers are bad, suggesting my DOR is progressing, we'll go ahead with a fresh IVF cycle in a couple of months. (although R is convinced we're getting a surprise bfp and won't need any of this, lol!)

in other much more serious news, N delivered her rainbow baby yesterday at 24 wks,4 days. He is 1 lb.,10 oz. and doing well in the NICU. Please keep her and baby in your prayers. she's been through a lot in the past year and a half.

and Chase has been diagnosed with restrictive airway disease (aka asthma) and will need breathing treatments 4x/day for awhile. please keep him in your prayers as well. still trying to figure out the whole daycare thing since they won't give any meds there and my work is an hour away.

sorry for the depressing post. will try to have happy news (and pics) next time!

12 days of Christmas...

2010-12-24T16:19:00.015-06:00

the last two weeks have been a blur of Christmas parties, cookie swaps, get togethers with the family and just making the most awesome Christmas memories!

i'm doing so much better with the weaning hormones now...phew, glad that's over! even had a + opk this morning, so maybe my body's getting back to normal.

Chase is sleeping in his crib, which is such a big boy thing. and i packed up all his 6-9 month clothes this morning...sniff.

we finally got the plagiocephaly helmet. thank you for your votes on the color. it is indeed camo, which makes his daddy very happy! and while i wasn't looking, grandpa put a NRA sticker on the back to redneck it out even further ;-)
speaking of redneck, R hung a deer head on Chase's wall. i was wondering how long it was going to take for that to happen.;-)

little man loves his helmet, and i can already tell it's helping. it's gotten looser in the last week, which means his skull is remodeling properly. unfortunately, it's gotten him in trouble at daycare because all the other kids want to play with it and use it as a drum for their rattles. hope they get used to it soon. poor baby...already being bullied.

after many years of waiting, i finally hung my first piece of fridge art that Chase's teachers made:

we decorated for Christmas and put the elf on the shelf up:

had my employee Christmas party at our house (we don't usually dress this cheesy, but it was for a tackiest shirt contest):

we celebrated early at my dad's house:

playing with the tree was much more fun than opening presents:

here's Chase with his first stocking that Aunt Amy made for him:

we can't wait for tomorrow--hope all of you have a very Merry Christmas!

thoughts on weaning...

2010-12-14T23:38:00.008-06:00

this has been the most difficult thing i've been through in awhile. i always thought i wanted to try to breastfeed. try being the key word...never really understanding what all the hoopla was about. just knowing that it was recommended for the first year by pediatricians and the pro-lactation community.

so we started off kinda bumpy--latching problems that drove me to exclusive pumping for the first 6 weeks or so. then transitioning to BF at about 8 weeks, after the pain lessened and Chase got the technique down pat. my initial goal was 6 months, which was complicated by a supply drop after returning to work. i'm proud of the fact that i pushed through and made it to almost 8 months.

it's funny, really...it seemed like a foreign concept to me when i was pregnant: what was i supposed to do with all these pump parts and where would i go to pump at work? and would i ever feel comfortable breastfeeding in public?

slowly, this became the norm to me. i mastered simultaneously documenting, answering e-mails, and eating lunch while using a hands-free double pump to ensure that Chase had supper for the night. now i'm left wondering what to do with all this free time (4 hours per day to be exact) that i was spending pumping.

i finally packed up the pump this weekend. and the world's slowest wean is coming to an end. i'm thinking my mom might ask for her LaLeche league pin back that she awarded me since i'm not going to make it to a year ;-)

such diverse feelings are accompanying this: guilt, sadness, anxiety, mixed with a touch of relief that my boobs aren't going to influence every decision i make from this point forward.

i feel a bit of panic that i won't have a secret weapon to soothe Chase when he's sick or when nothing else works like the warmth of snuggling up to mama for a good home-cooked meal ;-) how perfectly our bodies fit together lying tummy to tummy, his chubby baby fingers wrapped tightly around my index finger. or gently tugging on my shirt in rhythm with his suckling.

such precious memories.

it's weird that i've spend the good part of 8 months doing everything i could to build up my supply only to try everything to dry it up now.

this is probably TMI, but whatev--two sports bras become exceedingly uncomfortable after several hours of wearing. and i'm seriously considering the cabbage-leaf-in-the-bra technique to speed things up...and feeling extremely guilty in the process.

my decision to wean has not come easily. but it has everything to do with our desire to provide Chase with a sibling and nothing to do with the assumption that i haven't loved every second of it. because i have.

it's the single most cherished bonding ritual i've had with him. and i would be lying if i didn't admit that i'm a little bit terrified that this will be the last baby i ever breastfeed.

so R has the speech memorized that i've asked him to recite in my moments of weakness:
1. this is what needs to be done if we're serious about completing our family.
2. it will be just as hard (if not harder) to do at a year old.
and
3. we will find other ways to soothe him when he's upset.

please pray for an easy transition. i cry every time i think about it. this is hard on a mama.

bring on the pics...

2010-12-11T23:09:00.020-06:00

i realized i hadn't posted our 6 month pictures after getting them back. thought i'd share a few of my favorites:

becoming our parents...

2010-12-11T22:35:00.006-06:00

i had the weirdest revelation tonight. we've been on our own, paying our own bills for 10+ years, taking care of a home, now a baby. but still felt like i was missing a part of the experience i imagined my parents to have had. but tonight R and i got dressed up, laid out a list of instructions, and went out on the town to an office Christmas party.

and here's the kicker--we hired a babysitter. like not a family member, but a real live, interviewed and paid-by-the-hour babysitter. we had fun but couldn't help but watch the clock all night, wondering what he was doing and if our phone would ring. but it never did, of course. and at 10:00 sharp, we came home, all giddy and desperate for the full report of what went on while we were gone.

then we tiptoed upstairs to check on the little one. Chase was already asleep, so cute snuggled in his red and white striped reindeer pajamas. so i asked R, (in my most grown-up, sophisticated voice) if he'd like to joing me for a nightcap. and we settled in on our usual, time-worn place on the couch. everything the same as it's always been, but feeling so very, very different.

i love this life.

OHR update and other news...

2010-12-04T10:52:00.022-06:00

guess we can go ahead and declare 'Operation Head Rounding' a big fat FAIL. Chase was fitted for a brachycephaly helmet on Wednesday. we tried aggressive positioning for 3 months, but it just wasn't making much progress. he actually developed a knot on the back of his head in exactly the same shape and size as the hole in the boppy noggin nest.

everyone thinks i'm crazy for noticing that his head is flat. and yes, i'll admit that it's more or less hidden when his hair is dry, but it makes his face look much rounder because the back is so flat. here are some pics with his hair wet so you can really tell. guess that's why i notice it so much--because i give him most of his baths. besides, if he ends up with some 'sparse' hair growth ;-) like his daddy, he really will want a nice round head.

poor baby:

i'm thinking our StarBand will be camo, like a true Southerner ;-) or maybe blue to bring out his eyes. what do you guys think?

he'll have to wear it 23 hrs a day for about three months. which stinks that we won't see all of his cute face, but if this does the trick and he doesn't hate me for not fixing it when he's older, it will be well worth it! most people say the babies don't even notice they're wearing it after awhile, and that it's much harder on the parents.

in all honesty, while i'm glad our experience can bring attention to a number of causes (IF, DOR, omphalocele, plagio/brachycephaly), i'm kind of ready to get things back to normal for awhile. really wished i'd listened to my gut and sought treatment when i first noticed it at 4 months.

stepping onto the soapbox:

if you notice significant asymmetry and your doctor tells you that your infant's head will round out on it's own or with time, please seek a referral to a corrective specialist between 3 and 6 months of age for best results.

please click here to sign a petition to inform pediatricians that often times more is needed than just positioning and time.

.....aaannnnd stepping off.

in other news, we've been battling a cold for about four weeks (Chase) and one week (me). he's been to the pedi twice, had two breathing treatments, four prescriptions, and is finally getting better. man, is it hard to see your little one sick! (and i thought breastmilk was supposed to boost immunity).

we had a week of sleep regression when we tried to move him upstairs to the crib. finally deciding to move him back to the bassinette until he was fully well. because every time he coughed, he'd wake up and notice that he was in a foreign place, and start crying again. here's a pic of his first night in the crib:

and those all-nighters made for a very sleepy baby in the morning:

thank you for your help choosing our Christmas card. we took the majority recommendation and went with #2--they look great! off to decorate for Christmas!

7 months old!...

2010-11-20T20:07:00.011-06:00

and life is hectic...crazy...and wonderful. i'm struggling a bit with the work/life balance, the changing roles that come with having a baby a little later in life, after routines have been established and perfected over the years. my gym rat, workaholic, girls' night happy hour cocktail-drinking, world traveling former self has morphed into the strangest sort of homebody. now i'm rushing out of work, trying to dodge the bosses lest they seize an opportunity to give me a shiny new project on the way out the door.

well, maybe this sounded a little more glamorous and a whole lot more dramatic than the real thing, but you get the point ;-)

of course it all pays off when i walk in to pick him up from day care, and he immediately lights up, screams, and runs to his Mommy.

ok, i made that up. mostly he just screams when i take the toy he's been playing with for the last hour away and then proceed to wrestle him into the car seat.

but i'm completely head-over-heels crazy about this tiny little man.

R and i went on vacation for a week (yes, i still can't believe we left him behind), and called to check on him no less than 4 times a day...from Mexico! we're smitten :)

speaking of Mexico, here are some pics:

aaaahhhh, heaven....

but man was i glad to see him when we got home!!

i'm working on a Christmas card, but having a little trouble deciding which one to go with. here are the choices: (both from Shutterfly.com)

#1:
or #2:

if anyone's still out there reading this little blog, thank you!

Happy Halloween!...

2010-10-31T21:35:00.013-05:00

we had such a blast trick-or-treating and going to the neighborhood Halloween party! i can just imagine how much better it will be when he's a little older and can really get in on the fun.

let's see, what have we been doing lately?

well, Chase had his 6 month pictures. click here for a sneak peak.

love them! Brandy always does such an awesome job. please leave a comment if you like her work.

we had Chase dedicated at church, which we hadn't planned to do so soon, but it turned out to be the perfect timing, actually. i've thought long and hard about what the last year has meant, and what events have led us to this point. i think it was all about strengthening our walk and finding a church home.

Chase has a godmother now, my dear friend L, who is truly one of the most Godly women i know. and she'll fill in the blanks with what we forget to teach him. he will have such an awesome testimony to tell one day!

and his life verse was taken from 1st Samuel 1:11, 26-28:

And she made this vow: O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime. “Sir do you remember me?” Hannah asked. “I am the woman who stood here several years ago praying to the Lord. I asked the Lord to give me this boy, and he has granted my request. Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life.” And they worshipped the Lord there.

R was promoted to Major. this is a totally random pic of him barking some fake orders (that i find pretty funny, btw, but we're dorks like that!)

seriously, i'm very proud of him. and....we have a big trip coming up--i can't wait!!

6 months old!...

2010-10-19T23:02:00.012-05:00

Chase had his pediatrician appointment today and it went as perfectly as i'd hoped. he weighs 18 lbs, 10 oz. and he's grown to 26 inches tall! so proud of my little IUGR baby :) here are the changes in the last two months:
4 months: 15.81 lbs (75%) and 24.25" (25%)
6 months: 18.10 lbs (75%) and 26" (50%)

look at those chunky legs :)

he's right on track with his milestones except for rolling--he's not having any part of that skill (even though all the other babies at daycare look like miniature tumbleweeds rolling around). but Chase can hold his own bottle, so take that little gymnast friends ;)

we're doing 3 solid meals per day (breakfast is cereal, lunch is veggies, and dinner is fruit) with about 30 oz. of breastmilk thrown in. yeah, he can definitely put away some groceries! my supply is slowly starting to tank, so we'll be weaning pretty soon. that's a whole other post, though :(

last weekend, we went to Jackson to the red beans and rice fest and then to the state fair on Sunday. i think he had a good time getting out and about.
here in the bjorn with daddy, Uncle Bryan and Aunt Heather:

and a rare pic with mommy (i have to start remembering to give the camera to someone else):

so tired he can barely hold his head up at the end of the day:

fair pics:

petting zoo:

falling asleep holding onto the giraffe rings:

this is random, but did you know they make fried twinkies and oreos?

and a hamburger sandwiched between two krispy kreme donuts? (my brother actually ate one!)

hi mom!

i have such great memories of going to the fair as a child and i was so happy to be able to bring my little guy there. as soon as he's 42 inches tall, it's really going to get fun!

we're home!...

2010-10-01T21:49:00.010-05:00

Chase was discharged yesterday and is doing so well now. although i think he got a little spoiled in the hospital because he sure is wanting to be held a lot (which i'm happy to oblige) :) there's something about going through an emergency that bonds you as a family and makes you realize how much support your friends and loved ones provide.

i can't say enough about the great care we received on the pediatric wing of our hospital. we'll miss the nurses, but we sure are glad to be home!
Chase is still a little rattly in his chest and has a bad cough, but we think that will just take time to resolve. he'll be on oral antibiotics for the next 10 days.

i hope we don't have any more scares like that for a long time! mama's nerves can't handle too much excitement ;)

here's a pic of Chase on Tuesday:

and our happy baby today:

thank you, God, for bringing him home safely. your awesome work never ceases to amaze me!

in the hospital...

2010-09-29T21:47:00.011-05:00

poor little guy has been sick for a few days with what we thought was a sinus infection. he started getting worse on Monday and they called me to pick him up from daycare because he was vomiting, refusing to eat, and running a fever. unfortunately, it just kept getting worse overnight and after 24 hours of non-stop projectile vomiting, we started getting worried about dehydration. to make a long story short, Chase was admitted at 2 pm on Tues. after a rough day of multiple blood draws, a lumbar puncture, chest x-ray, and an IV in his head (ouch!) he was finally given the fluids and antibiotics he needed.

poor bright red feverish cheeks. and all he could do when it finally broke was sleep on Poppi's chest with Sammi the seahorse.

we were pretty scared because we knew at that age it doesn't take long to get REALLY sick. thank God for R, though, because i was planning to ride it out at home per the ER doc's recommendation to give oral antibiotics and force fluids.

R just wasn't satisfied with that and took him to the pedi later for blood work. sure enough--dehydration and elevated WBC that needed IV fluids/meds. R is the hero of this one! so scary to think what might have happened had he not been insistent on getting him a more thorough work up.

so far the cultures have come back negative for sepsis and meningitis, so he's thinking it was a bad upper respiratory infection with a stomach virus on top of that. anyway, it was very scary. poor little Chase was listless on Tuesday by the time we checked into the hospital.

today he was MUCH better and is slowly getting back to his old self. a friend sent us some balloons and Chase's favorite thing to do is shake the teddy bear so the balloons will go flying! he's back to smiling and being the happy baby we're used to seeing.

please keep Chase in your thoughts and prayers. we're hoping to be discharged tomorrow!

5 months old!...

2010-09-19T11:37:00.012-05:00

man, does time ever fly? it's hard to believe that just 5 short months ago, this baby:

looked like this:

(wow, i never realized how jaundiced he was until i saw this pic--we were just glad at the time that it didn't look like he was going to inherit his parent's pasty-white skin). and check out those nails--dang!

i'm reminded daily what a miracle he is--what miracles all babies are--and it hurts my heart to know that some of the most nurturing, deserving women i know are still waiting for the chance to experience this.

every day i think, "this has got to be the sweetest age," and then he does something even more precious the next day, and so i say it all over again. sometimes i feel my heart will just burst, i love him so much.

he is just growing and thriving, and it makes me so proud. we had our first fever scare (103 degrees) this week. but after two doctor's appointments, i think we've decided it must be teething--i do see a tiny white bud on the bottom.

Chase has been hard at work practicing his "talking" and wanted a chance to tell you a few things:

i think this is cute because he's reaching up for me the whole time, like, ok this is fun, but you can pick me up at anytime :)

and one more showing off his new partially-mastered skill: (which is probably going to get CPS called--but honestly--no one was hurt in the making of this video). although next time, i should probably do a little more helping and a little less recording :)

since halloween is coming up, i wanted to get opinions on what costume we should go with. here are the pics from the website:

and our attempt to model them:

#1. Lil' Monster: #2: Lil' Lion: think it's obvious which one Chase likes best. i added a clicky poll to vote--thanks for your help deciding!

writer's block...

2010-09-12T12:11:00.013-05:00

i've been somewhat of a crappy blogger lately. not because i don't want to write. i do, really, i do. especially because the stuff for Chase's baby book is still sitting in a manila folder somewhere, waiting to be scrapbooked. one day, i'm hopefully going to have this blog made into a book for him using one of the online publishing sites...just as soon as i get a free minute :)

guess when it comes down to it, i'd rather be living life than writing about it. i feel like every second just passes so quickly. Chase and i have this special moment in the mornings, right after we nurse, and he's curled in my arms with this drunk look on his face--eyes little tiny slits and mouth wide open. i just hug him close and breathe him in. that precious baby smell--man, is there anything better in this world? i know this time is fleeting...it won't be long before he's wiggling to get down, struggling for his independence.

and i thought about it on the way to work the other morning. i truly feel happier than i've ever been. so fulfilled and in love with life. i'm trying my best to commit every precious second to memory and just drinking it all in.

ok, so enough sappiness. bring on the pics!

i'm loving our new daycare. there is at least one teacher there who Chase is crazy about. i hear him laughing...make that cackling...all the way down the hall when i come to get him in the afternoons. they seem to be really working with him on tummy time and interaction with the other babies his age. they keep telling me what a content, sweet baby he is (but i knew that already) :)

looking like a big boy on his first day of "school":

Chase is really starting to notice the pets now. he'll stay on his tummy so much longer if he has company. i think they're plotting some mischief, though:

ok guys, just give me another few months, and i promise to give you some handouts when they're not looking :)

shhhh...here she comes:

we went to Nashville over Labor Day weekend to stay with my friend, S. we had the best time shopping with our little guys and just catching up. on the way home, R and i stopped at one of our favorite restaurants. we used to eat here before Titan's games because it was so yummy and you could just walk to the game. they serve German food--love me some schnitzel and the coldest woodchuck apple cider ever! OMG, heaven :)

Nashville skyline with the Titan's stadium and "batman building"

can't forget the little man--here with his frosty beverage:

so far, we've added rice cereal, mixed grain cereal, and we just started oatmeal. think i'm going to wait until 5 months for veggies. he's a little impatient sometimes, though. here's his attempt at self-feeding since mommy was taking her sweet time!

a few random pics from this weekend:

and last but definitely not least, because i love a happy ending...here is a pic of my BFF, N. the day she and her family met our Chase in the hospital. i still can't get over the selflessness of this act--driving 3 1/2 hrs to meet a newborn just days after losing her own. that's love, it tell ya.
and an u/s pic of her rainbow baby: can't wait to meet you, little one!

random updates...

2010-08-29T15:25:00.009-05:00

first off, look how much he's grown from two weeks to four months: it doesn't even look like the same baby! i'm thinking he will be out of the bassinette very soon.

i fall more in love with this precious boy every day:

(here with his grammy and cousin Tristin)

and on the solids front...he's not really excited about the rice cereal just yet:

but i will say that he did much better when grammy was holding him for it:

i'm not sure if "OHR" is making a difference yet, but we're sure working hard to keep him off the back of his head. in fact, he usually falls asleep sitting up and has to be carried to bed:

we're still doing lots of tummy time:

and being entertained by daddy:

Chase loves him some bathtub time. especially when he gets to play his favorite new game: "kick the rubber ducky"

more next time. i want to update on the daycare situation and the progress with what will hopefully be the cure for his head situation.

here's a pic...it's supposed to arrive tomorrow. it's called the Boppy Noggin Nest, and you can get them at ToysRus, Amazon, etc. some friends of ours recommended it--they said it made a huge difference in their little girl's head in just a few weeks. fingers crossed that it works!

4 months old!!...

2010-08-19T10:48:00.017-05:00

our pediatrician appointment went well this morning. we're going to have to change his nickname, though: "peanut" is now tipping the scales at a whopping 15.81 lbs! he has more cute little rolls now than the Michelan man!

here are his previous stats for comparison:

birth: 5 lbs., 14 oz. (5-10%) and 18.5" (5-10%)
2 weeks: 6 lbs. (5-10%) and 18.75" (5-10%)
8 weeks: 10 lbs. (10-25%) and 21" (5-10%)
4 months: 15.81 lbs (75%) and 24.25" (25%)

she was really proud of how he's jumped up on the curve, but she said it's probably time to start slowing down in the weight department now :) she recommended introducing some cereal and then pureed veggies/fruit to hopefully tide him over longer.

otherwise, he's doing so well! right on track with his milestones, laughing, reaching, pushing up on his belly, etc. the only concerning thing was some mild flattening of the back of his head (aka brachycephaly). i've been noticing it for a couple weeks now and really trying to position him on his side when sleeping and keep him on his tummy as much as possible.

ugghhh, i'm feeling like i've failed him in so many ways--putting him in daycare, not insisting on continuing tummy time after he's cried for 15 min. or so, letting him take the occasional nap in the swing, etc. damn, you "Back to Sleep Campaign". it's really making me sick just writing about it. i guess guilt over something is just part of being a mom.

anyway, we're going to commence "Operation Head-Rounding" for the next month in hopes it will help. the pedi really didn't seem too concerned about it, but i want to be very proactive with this and will do whatever it takes to fix it.

profile view of Chase: (for before and after)

and a normal head shape:

top view:

and a normal head shape:

can i get a woot woot??...

2010-08-18T22:01:00.033-05:00

i'm going to go ahead and declare Operation STTN a success! even though this may be a temporary phase, Chase is now sleeping from 10 p.m.--6 a.m. and the best part? he goes down without fussing...knock on wood...and i usually have to wake him up at 6 a.m. ahhhhhhhh, life is beautiful.

it hasn't been without a lot of effort, though...and some secret weapons! first off, the strategies we've employed to entertain/keep him awake after work:

lots o' reading: the "superman": baby bjorning:
a steady bumbo--to tummy time--to jumparoo circuit:

we had a few set-backs along the way:

a whole lot of cuddling from bunches of visitors (this is uncle Charles):

and to help him get sleepy, we gathered tips from some veteran parents and bought a few things that were recommended:

the fisher price soothe and glow seahorse:

homedics sound spa white noise machine w/projector, aka "baby crack machine":

started using a lavendar-scented bath wash for his nightly soak:

and after much resistance (on my part) and much urging (from everyone we know), we just might have slipped a few teaspoons of rice cereal in his bedtime bottle:

anyway, something worked...woot woot!! tomorrow is his 4 month pediatrician appointment and i'm eager hear what she has to say and discuss a few concerns. he is growing so fast...i know everyone tells you this, but it's really hard to believe :)